Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
