I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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