just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
