You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
They are going to name an STD after you.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
