i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
the raccoons are back...
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
