I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
