I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
