This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
