who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
