i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
