in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
