capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
