she kept yelling 'call me bella'
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
