I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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