i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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