The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
