Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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