i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
