there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
