I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
