you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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