So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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