btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
