1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
