oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
