You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
