How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
