TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
