girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
