My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
