if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
