So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
