did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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