i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
