your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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