Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
