Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
