**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
