And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
