Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
