at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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