I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
