did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
