The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
