Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
