Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
