My room smells like vodka and shame
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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