I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She needs sedatives and a leash
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
