nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
