Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
